I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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