I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
