so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
