I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it's like iHOP with fire
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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