Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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