Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
