too bad you live with your parents still
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
