there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
