I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
