here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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