True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
