I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
