I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
