The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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