Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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