If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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