omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize