I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
