Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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