I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
