She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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