i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My Sexting was not on an AP level
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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