I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
porn star boner night. come get it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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