So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
