Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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