Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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