Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
