I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
the liver wants what the liver wants
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
