I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
