Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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