I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
