The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
