That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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