Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
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