my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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