1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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