This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
