I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize