There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
