i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
