You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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