Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
