You just made me feel so damn special
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
