In the future we'll all be gay
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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