there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
