she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Randomize
