I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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