i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
