am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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