two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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