Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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