Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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