We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
