I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
