Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just pee around me
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
