i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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