When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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