As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
