I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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