I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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