if i can run in heels then i can drive
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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