at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
