I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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